Death

So here I am. Sitting in a hotel room in Phoenix. It's around midnight. Husband is sleeping.

We are down here because my nephew died. And I have to talk about it. No one here is. First off, I have never seen people deal with death in such a unique way. I think I've heard one mention of him since we've been down here. I know he kinda wanted to fade away, but this is ridiculous. There is no funeral, not even an obit. This is very weird to me. Not bad, just different.

When a family member dies in my family there is usually a viewing and a funeral. During this time there is much talk of the deceased and all the good times that were had. This is throwing me off. Sometimes, being here I get the feeling that I'm not wanted (or is it needed?) here. Like their grief is so private that it is not necessary for me to be here to mourn with them. Does that make any sense?

So because we have literally been just sitting around I've had a lot of time to think. I realized how saddened I am that I have not forged a closer relationship with my sister-in-law. I see her sitting and look sad and want to talk to her, but I don't feel it's my place to do so. I guess I've watched too many TV shows. I always pictured when I got married that if he had a sister we would become a least semi-close. Same with when my brother got married. But that won't be happening either.
See to much time to think.

This sucks. Social guidelines tell me that it is impolite to complain about being bored during a family tragedy. But I am. Well not really bored. I feel trapped. We have just been sitting around the house, watching TV and playing with the dogs. I just can't leave for a little bit and escape. Every time I do, everyone else is tagging along. Like the other day I wanted to go get a pair of sandals (because it's hot here) and I wanted to ask my sister-in-law(and mother-in-law) because I thought it might be nice for her to get out of the house. You know, just the girls getting away. But then my father-in-law and husband decided to tag along. I was shopping for like five minutes before they started complaining. Did they not listen when I said I was going SHOE SHOPPING?

I know I shouldn't be complaining this much in light of this tragedy, but I just feel confined. Confined by the limitations this whole situation has put me in. I feel awful for their loss, I really do. I just feel awkward because I don't know how to act.

We are going home tomorrow. I really want to be in my own bed again.